Bol and the rat horn

Got up early again to head to the island of broč. I think it’s pronounced “Brosch.” Where the famous Zlatni Rat beach resides. There are no sand beaches here, just stone. But still a beautiful stone can be more breathtaking than a sandy one. After arriving by ferry I took a joint taxi with others to the other end of the island where the famed beach lies. Searched for the sister hostel of the one i stayed in in Split, but no one was there and they were out of rooms. So I ended up getting a private room up the hill from a travel agency. Was a small simple room with a kitchenette and bath. There were some pretty fancy hotels near by but I knew they would be much more expensive than a single room.

I dropped my stuff and when to the beach. Fucking amazing. As usual the water was warm and clear but swimming off a peninsella and being able to swim around it to the other side was really amazing. There was already a good deal of nudity on the beach but as I swam down and around the coast there was the total nude beach area. Everyone here really needs to at least put some shorts on. It’s not hot seeing nude people on the beach. Even if they are good looking. I did swim by a nudist in the water, that was funny cuz I though, maybe I’ll pretend to be drowning, then they’d have to save me. Nude.

After swimming I got a drink at an outside cocktail bar. The air felt so good at that time of day after being in the water for several hours. It had this romantic and calming feeling with a breeze that was incredibly relaxing. I started a conversation with some Italians who sat down next to me who turned out to be really quite nice. The one guy of the three some was wearing an old snickers nofx shirt. They actually invited me back to their place for dinner but it seemed like it was sprung without one of the girls realizing they were going to offer and she made a facial reaction that made me turn them down. Haha. I probably would have gone though. It’s really different staying in a room alone and not a hostel. It begs for company.

Before going back to the room and to dinner I walked the main street next to the sea where I found tours that went to Hvar as day trips and found I could easily just jump off the boat when we arrived there and stay. The tourist office had told me it was impossible to make it to the island. I don’t understand why they don’t give out this info. It must be some kind of deal they have NOT to tell people about this. I got some wine and chocolate before heading to dinner where I ate dinner alone but at a pizza place and had shrimp on skewers and soup. Was pretty good.

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Big woods

Got up butt ass early to search of a travel agency that offers tours on the plativc lakes. It’s about 4 hours away by bus and the only way I was told but he tourist information center was that you could only get there by public bus and he handed me a schedule. Well what he didn’t tell me was that you could easily get a tour with a company, so I was hoping to catch one at 730 or 8. Buy was a too late. They leave only thursdays at 530 am. But today was Thursday, I’d omly found out the night before this was possible. That tends to happen often here I’ve noticed. No one know actually ALL the information. Such as, asking if there was a taxi boat back to Hvar from a beach 4km south. “No, no way, there is only a real taxi” Not 100 yards away, there was a taxi boat waiting. Frustrating. And you can’t plan accordingly that way either. Travel here sucks balls between the islands if you’re on a schedule.

So I took the public buses up, which take forever realizing that i should have rented a car despite the fear of driving in other countries. I really only had about 2 hours while I was there and most all tours take about 4-5 to see a good portion. And if i was late and missed the bus, i would have to stay the night and would get back late the next day. Lame. So in typical American fashion i cut in the long line when waiting for the ferry, did a quick tour of the lower lakes, and cuz in line on the tram ride back too. Thankfully otherwise I wouldn’t have made it. But it was so crowded here and this was the lower lakes, the more popular upper lakes were even more so. And I wouldn’t have make it to anything in time there. But i was really amazing here. Very calm with the constant roar of a waterfall somewhere. The lakes were crystal clear blue and so tempting to swim in but is forbidden by someone with a tall hat. Doesn’t seem fair. Would love to come back and see more of these lakes when it’s not so busy and actually have more time. The stupid thing is that the bus driver takes a 25 minute break just 10 minutes before the park. However they did have reindeer and bears out back behind the restaurant. Why, I don’t know.

Back in Split, ran into gay jeff and had a romantic dinner with him, met some other peeps and after talking about the farm where I raise horses for fighting, chickens for hitting with baseball bats as a game along and live with 40 charpays, in Kentucky, we went to the same club yet again. Names…humm, there was Jordan, Maya, another both croatian guy and guy, and an english broad who thought that she was the shit, having graduated from oxford and all. But they were really fun and had a humor I would not have expected.

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I’m on a boat

Woke up and pissed in the shower. This hostel really needs more than one toilet for 15 people. But they don’t care so I didn’t either. Was going on an excursion with 3 others from the hostel that they offered. I was told all the directions and had to be the competent leader while still feeling like shit. Had to first travel to Omîs, which took an hour because of traffic, but we then took a small boat to borč, and visited some of the small beaches there. I traveled witness an couple from the. Netherlands, and the extremely gay Australian, jeff, along 2 croatian ladies who were with the skipper who didn’t do much but stand on the boat and drive with his feet. Even when he jumped in the water eventually, he just stood there staring straight ahead. I think he was farting or shitting the entire time.

This felt like a first real swim. It was really hot by that point and the water was actually warm. Saw some boobs. Also saw a guy fishing naked. Don’t know that’s the smartest idea. Also saw another naked guy swimming with his dog. Just after he applied the peanut butter. But it was a good relaxing day. Felt exhausted after getting back because there was MORE traffic. Got some food and meet 2 other Americans from Kansas and a dude from san fran. Emily and Sarah and…the dude I forget his. I had heard some English so far but it was mostly British English, or with a different foreign accent. We agreed to go to the same stupid club I was at last night after feeling totally exhausted, but no one showed up. Or everyone went to another club, guess we should have been more specific. Oh well, had fun till I realized i have to get up at 7:15. Shit.

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Back to bread and cheese

Had to leave ze Germans today and fly to Croatia. Sad to say goodbye but very excited to fly into Croatia. Like the italian imalphie coast Croatia has an wonderful beautiful coastline but isn’t quite as discovered just yet. Felt blistering warm stepping off the plane. A nice change from the duller “luke warm” weather they were having. Had to pass by the first beach, blavic, on the way to the hostel after buying some bread and cheese. I figured it would become my main food intake while around Croatia. After checking into the hostel where I’d be sleeping with 5 dudes at the same time like a slut, I ran into the city to see as much as I could.

This place has got some moneyyyyy. If I lived in a neighborhood where the streets made of marble I know i’d have done well for myself. Checked out the palace, the church, and the tower in the old city, who’s ruins have been kept intact and now used as restaurants and souvenir shops. Weird how that works but I guess it’s actually better than not putting anything in them. But it is odd to see a karate studio in the middle of town. Ran to the top of a park west of the city which had a great view and served beers with those views.

Went swimming at 8 at night and the water was still warm. The beach, the only sandy beach in split, the rest are pebble and stone, was quite crowded but I was surprised how warm the water was. Had pizza again cuz restaurants were closing at 10, with this french dude David who works at the hostel. He wasn’t a super rad dude, but did help me out with questions I had about getting around. Then went to some club and danced till 3.

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Wakeboarding

Well I was supposed to go wake boarding today…yeah in Berlin, go figure. But unfortunately i woke up at the exact time i needed to meet the dude i was going with at the train station. So I didn’t get to make that, felt bad too, until i heard that it sucked. Figures. Instead went to the Oranienburgertor and bought a bunch of art pieces that i really like. Like so much that I want to get them framed. Bought a water proof watch for all the swimming I’m expecting on doing in croatia, and that about killed the day. Until we ate more amazing pizza and went to Klo for a drink afterwards. Klo directly translates to “toilet” which is basically what this place is. Annabelle and Nina had never been here before but I had. You’re greeted with a mannequin flashing you with an animatronic dildo that basically hits you in the eyeball when you walk in. This place is like someone sneezed all crap all over the walls that you think would be really great to have at home but you’d never actually buy it. Cuz it would look horrible. Clown masks, spiders handing from walls, fake poops, bears with eyes that light up and growl at you. The table that we sat at had a chair that would vibrate on occasion and scare Nina since she was sitting in it. All of this was controlled by the bartender who had buttons to activate all kinds of crap like this throughout the bar, while he told 8th grade jokes into a microphone. They also serve you beers in hospital piss bottles which don’t feel too clean as you drink from them. This was a place you could come for a drink, but never stay all night. Which we didn’t.

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Horse races

Got up early to watch the horse races today, but I could have slept for an extra 5 hours since they didn’t even start till 2 in the afternoon. So we walked around, ate ice cream and watched people almost step in poop. Everyone was too smart and avoided it unfortunately.

Watching these horses race on where water used to be just an hour before was pretty rad. Never seen the little midget carts that they’ll race with while trolls ride around in them. You can also bet on them as well. Germany doesn’t give a fuck about what’s politically correct, as i bet on “The Black Pimp”. Who I thought for sure was a winner but he actually lost horribly, couldn’t run at all. Surprisingly.

When the low tide pulls the water away it pulls it miles and miles out, so it’s possible to walk to a near by island without having to swim at all. Of course you’re probably going to get stuck there since the tide eventually does come back in. Then you die there. Or breed with the fish to stay warm and make mermaids. We had to set the dirty disease filled kleptomania duck free into the soon to be poop filled ocean water. Unless someone picked him up but we doubt it.

Got home late and ate a döner. It tasted like candy. Meat candy.

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Sommerrodelbahn

I’ve always seen bobsledding down a metal luge in movies or in stereo typical German photos from 1920. I guess we’d call it bobsledding, though I don’t know exactly, but in german it’s named sommerrodelbahn or the “get the fuck out out of my way I’m going to break my neck” slide. I can’t pinpoint it exactly but i’ve always wanted to fly down these slides on their little carts. I finally had the chance after sitting through traffic on the freeway for about 2 hours. Not something you’d typically associate the german autobahn with. This place was kinda like heaven, but without meat. You actually go pretty fast down this slide and need to brake in the turns otherwise you may fly out of the luge. Someone stupid decided to stop completely on the track and we nearly rammed her. Kinda wish we did.

Attached to this dangerous slide is yet another exciting dangerous adventure. Free rooming monkeys. Yup they just run all over the place while you stand there in the middle of it. You could touch all the monkeys you wanted for just 3 euro. But they’re gunna touch you back and try to steal your baby. There were 2 monkeys who we assumed were the parents of a baby who looked about 2 weeks old. And there was an evil uncle monkey near them who wanted the baby so it could molest it back at his house. He stole the fucking baby from their arms while we watched. Almost ripping it’s head off in the process. German monkeys don’t give a fuck. And the parent monkeys didn’t seem to care at all. Guess someones nipples were getting lazy.

A quick 4 hour drive later we finally arrived in a small town just north of Cuxhafen on the north sea. Someone must have told the town we were coming because there was a kind of carnival going with all sorts of german combination along the promenade on the beach with fireworks at night. Here we walked for a while looking at how far the water slips away from the shore during low tide and leaves a walkable area that stretches for miles that would be again covered by water come nightfall.

I got to eat some awesome schnitzel for the first time in years. But we were swatting flies the entire time. We were the only ones bothered by theses flies, probably cuz I smelled a lot better then most others there (I showered, they didn’t) but we must have looked crazy being the only people in the restaurant waving our hands around the whole time. After the fireworks we won the most dirty, disease infected, stuffed duck from a darts/balloon game. Tomorrow we will set him free into the ocean, after I make Annabelle sleep with him.

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Meat Day

The plan is to eat some meat today. It’s been 2 years since I’ve had any but I can’t come to germany and not throw some meat in my mouth. I liked it when I lived here. And döners are the most amazing secret Germany can offer. It’s the best street meat one can get here, as good as the bacon wrapped heart attacks in LA but you can get these all day long.

But first a quick stop at the Charlottenburg Schloss which with all the times I’ve been to Berlin I’ve never seen it. And I stuck with that by only admiring its facade and gardens, not entering its innards. All palace tours bore me a bit. And how could one really pay attention to a tour guide when there’s meat on my mind. Met with award winning director of photography Winnie Heun, whom I used to work with and discussed all things film and apple over some coffee. Coffee was a better choice than the beer garden we’d originally planned to meet at, since it was pouring down rain. He had been waiting under a tree in the rain as I arrived late, as an American should.

BBQ time. In the rain. Had to make due, but luckily it was only drizzling while Jürg started the grill with and umbrella for protection. Trying to remember all the names is difficult, but will help me remember them if I write them now. Jürg, Katia, Sphen, Tina, Sebastian, Henning, Bürn, Torsten, and Susan. I had the honor of eating the ceremonial first bratwurst that came off the grill. It taste so good when it hits your lips. Tasted like heaven would taste if it were edible. Man it was good. I tried some chicken as well and also the fake schnitzel that Annabelle had bought, which really has no comparison to the real thing. I think it was a good choice to try some meat while here. The döner is next.

Surprisingly my German kept up pretty well in the conversations which ranged from travel to wife beating to butt hole bleaching. Nice. Sebastian agreed to wear a Borat swimsuit at the potsdamer platz for 15 minutes in the middle of the day for only 50 euro. He almost accepted the bet immediately. So fast that I thought HE hadn’t understood what was being said. Too bad I won’t be there to witness that. Maybe he was trying to impress Susan, who everyone seemed to be flirting with. We drank this super great bottomless schnapps, this red berry flavored, which I could had drank till the next morning. And did. I’d just missed a lagwagon and no use for a name show on wednesday as Tina told us how awesome it was. Last time I saw no use for a name was in Berlin in 2003. I got kicked in the face and had a black eye. Too bad I missed that. I continued to drink about 6000 beers.

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Waking up german

Waking up at 1 the afternoon with jet lag never felt so great. Except when I realized that I left the windows uncovered and everyone walking by on the street has now seen me asleep in my underwear. With not too much time I went to explore some old buildings in Teufelsberg, the US army had used them as a listening station by the NSA after the war. But now are since abandoned and, as it seemed after exploring, now the home to at least one nomad. While hiking to the buildings I had to pass through the forest that I thought was going to become my Deliverance, but I narrowly escaped.

After climbing through the fence, that I took photos of, breaking the law, there was some pretty loud techno music playing…as there always is anywhere at any moment in Germany. I thought I was going to find Techno Viking leading a march though the area, but once again I was disappointed. Was just someones headphones. The area was poorly secured and seemed awesome for an outdoor party. Was strange that it was all once US occupied and now that city doesn’t have money to destroy it.

Sushi tastes the same everywhere, so it wasn’t super “deutsch” but good. What was better was the club Sage we went to afterwards where people are still dancing to limp bizkit, korn and another band you remember from high school. Everyone gets off on this though. No live band but just the music playing making dudes taking off their shirts beating up the music. …Or passing out to the music (see the photo with the gigantic vagina in the corner) There were other rooms too, one with a pool, with other styles of music that didn’t seem so dated. I think I had 5000 beers.

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NY and Germs

Waking up at 530 is not fun. But that put me in NY finally with enough time to leave the airport, see my sister, have two lunches and debate about eating fried sneakers before flying to Germ town. I may have eaten my last vegetarian meal at Curlys, which was the always amazing Cuban sandwich, with some soy crap that actually taste good. But there’s no way I’m finding this where I’ll be. It could be my last meal. Then had second lunch with Steph, which was a beer while I suspiciously watched her eat and talk about her new job, and how she’s going to sleep her way to the top. Joking. We didn’t talk at all. Had a staring contest.

Stu at work has always been trying to get me to watch this nerd show because “it’s not nerdy and actually really good. I swear Kevin”. Battle Star Galactica. Well when you talk about it about 5 hours out of the day, I have my suspicious. But i actually watched the 3 hour pilot while flying across the sea and I gotta say I actually enjoyed it. Doesn’t mean I’m going to buy and watch the rest of the seasons in PAL before returning but I was impressed, it’s not treky and more of an Event Horizon, turned show. I’m still going to tell him I haven’t watched it. Don’t want to be a nerd.

After landing I had to get the irresistible german breakfast while waiting for yet another flight. Soft boiled egg, bread and a beer. First german beer. Then off for the last flight, drunken, where Nina picked me up, ate with Annabelle, and swam in the freezing badeshiff. Which is translated as a “bath ship” but was actually a pool in the river. Had an awesome view of some boobs that were a out 2 feet from my face. (not good, as fupa was coming out between them) Pizza was amazing for dinner. No meat yet, I think it’s happening tomorrow.

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